Who I Am

On several posts I've made mention of the fact that I'm trying to find my way back to the me I used to be and still balance it with my newfound lackadaisical ways. For the past year and a half or so, I've been battling who I was. I kept trying to change from my no-nonsense hard ass personality. And for many reasons, that change was good. I became waaayyyy more laid back. More understanding of a lot of things.

But in changing so much (or fighting who I was), I lost a big part of me that kept me together. Now, I'm finding that me again. And I'm learning that I can stand up for myself and who I am and what I believe in, I can keep the hard-ass me, but still be laid back and casual. I can still be my academic nerd self who pushes herself to her breaking point, but I can also go off to Russia or take a roadtrip to wherever at random thought's notice.

But, most of all, I'm not going to let people treat me like crap or make me feel guilty. And, I'm not going to break down or throw myself at anybody just because I'm feeling weak.

I can love, but I don't have to fall apart because of it. Because I'm the daughter of a King. And I deserve to be treated special and be accepted by both my family and my friends.

I'm a nerd in many ways. I'm an artist, and a musician, and a scholar. I objectify and criticize. I analyze and then synthesize. I enjoy learning, writing research papers, and making connections.

In many ways, I'm very naive. I trust people with a fierce loyalty. And at the same time, it's hard for me to trust. My heart automatically goes to believing the best in people, while my mind tries to rationalize and be realistic. I've been let down too many times to count. But I keep on.

I have an overactive imagination. I read a lot into things. I overanalyze the small details, including road signs. Yes, road signs can be anaylzed. It usually makes me end up lost, both on the road and in life.

I love whole-heartedly, but I refuse to let that turn me into a welcome mat. I don't like confrontaion, but I'm not afraid of it, and I will tell you you're being an ass, stupid, or whatever. I'll also tell you how grateful I am for your presence in my life and how wonderful you are...and I'll mean it with everything I am.

This is me. This is who I am.