People Out

Sleepless and ignored. That's been my life recently. Out of the past three nights, two of the nights I continuously woke up several times each hour, meaning I didn't sleep. The third night I slept, but then I had a strange and disconcerting dream which woke me up around 4. Sleep did not come again.

So, I'm tired. Work has been busy and left me with no time to do my paperwork. Not only am I behind on this week, but I'm still trying to catch up from last week. The good news is that I've started accompanying clients to court, which is interesting and exciting for me, dork that I am.

Then, there's the ignored bit. Now this I could completely be overreacting on (especially since I'm tired), but that doesn't matter right now. For the past month or two I've noticed a trend. I'm the one that almost always contacts my friends. Yet, if they're really my friends, shouldn't they also try to reach me via text, fb, phone, skype, email, etc. It's not like I'm that hard to reach.

I'm just tired of fighting for things that fall through my fingers. If they're going to fall through anyways, then why should I try? If I'm not that much of an important person in their life that they can't pick up the phone to call me for 5 minutes every so often, then what am I doing? Am I actually doing any good? Am I actually saving something when I reach out? Or am I just trying to cling to something that's only important to me? I don't know. But, I'm fed up with it. And I'm pulling back.

If people want me, they can contact me. Sure, my life will prob. get a lot more quiet, a little lonelier. But, maybe I'll actually start studying for THE BIG test coming up. Maybe a little rest from people will let me focus and gain new priorities. For the longest time, I've tried to make the people in my life my priority. I thought that's what we are supposed to do as friends, Christians, human beings. But, I've been wrong lots of times before, and I'll be wrong again.

So, for at least this next week I am pulling out of facebook. It's just another reminder of the people talk around me, rarely to me without my incitement. Plus, on fb, it's so much easier to be misunderstood, misread, misheard (figuratively I mean). This causes many more problems, and I'm tired of cleaning up problems. I've been the solution person for so long, now I'm going to fade out and let people clean up their own messes. Make their own misunderstandings.

And yes, this post sounds more bitter than I intended which probably has something to do with the exhaustion taking over my body and clouding my mind. But maybe I've got the point across, maybe not. But, right now, I'm too tired to care.

However, one thing is going right: work. Like I said earlier I've started going tto court with clients at work. I love my job. It has become the best part of my life, and one of the biggest things. I love my clients and my coworkers. And, I love how it's bringing me back to who I am.