Like Wax

Happy New Year everyone. How many of you out there, in the vast internet galaxy, have made New Years Resolutions? I didn't. I rarely do. With me, if I really want, I go after it right there and then. Why wait till the new year. What makes it so special?

Anyways, I don't want to rant right now. I want to mellow. I want to fade into the flame flickering in the center of my oatmeal cookie scented candle. I want to become the wax, gently melting into a pool of viscous liquid. I want to become the notes of the Alexz Johnson songs I'm listening to, to have my soul become a melody, my life the harmony.

In a yoga class I once attended, the teacher would have us do the corpse pose at the end of each session. As she would walk around, she would tell us to close our eyes and to imagine our body loosening and melting into the floor, becoming one with it. Well, that's what I want. To have my body drift and mingle and combine with the atoms of the universe. I want to float and soar, dive and drown. Be everyone and no one, everywhere and nowhere.

The past couple weeks have been crazy and wonderful and horrible and everything to me and nothing to me in the long scheme of things. My cousin was married to a wonderful man on December 23rd. She was a gorgeous bride. The wedding was, in all honesty, the wedding of my dreams. It seems strange,having her married. She's two months younger than me. She's the first one of my cousins to get married. Family traditions and gatherings have been changing for awhile now, slowly, but now...it's like her wedding officially announced the change. We are not the same. We will never be the same again.

But, I've been able to manage my priorities and get myself focused in a direction at least. I've found a part of me that I had thought I lost with graduation. It was right there the whole time, peaking out occasionally. I can still write and research. My books still hold an infinite power over me as they call my name. And even though I was a queen procrastinator all throughout school, I still rocked out the papers and books. And I know I can still do so. I'm easily distracted, yes, but I know what I want, and I won't let anything or anybody get in my way. I never have really, and I won't. I can't.

I've officially signed up for the LSAT - finally. Through finances, work, and family obligations, I haven't been able to take it yet. But, as of February 11th, that will no longer be true. Am I expecting to do brilliantly? No. But, I should do decently - hopefully. I've also decided on my top three universities that I want to apply to and have started the application process. Everything is finally starting to feel real to me again, and it scares me. It scares me knowing what's going to happen in the future. Or what's not going to happen. While so much is still unknown, I'm choosing the path I'm taking, pointing myself in a very specific direction. And, while I know mostly that it's the right path, there's still so much that could go wrong, so much that could go exactly right.

So, as usual, I'll continue to wait to see what happens. See, that's what I mean. So much has changed and is changing. And yet, essentially, nothing changes. Every second is different from the one before. Nothing is new under the sun. So, as changes come I will deal with them, as I always do. I'll handle the ups and downs; I'll take the tears and the laughter. I'll float and melt. I'll be solidly me and yet melt like wax, falling and clinging to the surface as it turns from a liquid to a solid to a liquid to a solid. All it needs is the heat of flame to change it completely. All it needs is a cool breeze to restore it.