I am still enjoying my job. There are some aspects that I could do without, but overall, I feel like this is an amazing experience for me. Some of my favorite times on the job are when I can really talk with a client, one-on-one. When we can have a completely honest and open conversation with ideas, thoughts, and emotions flowing back and forth.
This being a domestic violence shelter, I've had the opportunity to have several conversations about relationships. These conversations coupled with my own experiences, past and present, have made me do a lot of thinking and re-evaluating of my own life and beliefs.
When outsiders hear about domestic violence, their first reaction is usually, "Why would a woman be stupid enough to put herself in that situation? Why wasn't she smart enough to leave?" And, yes, in a perfect world, these women would leave, but if I ever hear those questions come out of someone's mouth, I think I might just throttle them.
As part of Domestic Violence Month, let me give you, dear reader, an education so that, should we ever meet in real life, I wouldn't be thrown in prison. 80% of domestic violence is non-physical. However, it is just as dangerous. Domestic violence covers emotional abuse, manipulation, financial control, isolation, child manipulation, and more. Anytime a man (for the sake of efficiency I'm just going to use man, although woman could also be used) tries to force a partner to do something that she doesn't want to do, it's domestic violence.
This often begins small. He treats her like a princess, tells her she's beautiful. Then, one day, he makes a critical remark about her hair or her clothes. Small, but significant to the woman who adores him. Eventually it escalates. His critiques increase, and she spends her time trying to please him, because he is so loving and helpful in many other ways. He may help her with the kids or loan her money. He may take her out to her favorite restaurants or send her flowers at work. Since he does all that, she can forgive him his little opinions. She just has to work harder on herself.
Eventually, he can start using the small gifts and things as bribery or manipulations. If she dresses like he wants her to, he'll buy the shirt; he'll take her out to dinner. When they move in together, he gets mad if she doesn't buy the specific brand of cologne or deodorant. He keeps taking her places, so that she can't see her friends or family. But to her, he takes her places because he loves her. When she is isolated from friends and family, then he can really turn up the heat. He can assert his control more overtly, because no one will really be running to her. He's both her master and her savior.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are some really sick bastards out there. And the worse part is that these abusers have two faces. The rest of the world usually never notices when an abuser is among their midst. Some of them even call the police and have their victim arrested if she tries to break out, and he's smart enough and charming enough to get away with it. Some even go so far as to use children to manipulate the victim, even custody battles have been turned into a form of domestic violence at times. And the thing is, many of the traits abusers use occur in common, healthy relationships, they just escalate and increase them. But, when a victim tries to describe how she is being abused, most people don't understand, they think, "Well, that's normal." They go by the single act, not the repetition or scale of the act.
So, where am I going with this information? What does this have to do with relationships? Well, I have two places I'm going to take this information: general and personal.
General:
As I talk with clients, I try to get them to evaluate their own relationships, both past and present in a new context. I've taken to asking my clients two questions. "What do you want, right now, from a partner?" and "Is your partner giving you want you want?" Then, depending on the answer to the second question, I'll take it a step further. "Knowing that your partner either isn't willing to or can't give you what you need, can you see yourself being with them in a long-term future?"
These women come to me for protection because they've been broken by the men they thought would save them. They went out looking for men and found predators, wolves in sheep's clothing. All because they needed to feel protected, wanted, desired. But they are not alone in that feeling. It's a basic human need on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A healthy relationship is going to require some give-and-take. But, when a woman gives all, without being able to take, destruction takes place.
Personal:
I've long been skeptical of marriage and long-term relationships. Not because I've had a shortage of lasting marriages in my life. I'm actually surrounded by family after family of happily-married couples in my life (outside of work that is). I've seen them last and work. But, still something bothers me about them. It's probably because I'm an outsider looking in on a finely-honed relationship, but I still see small things in each relationship that make me think if that ever happened in mine, I'd want to bolt (especially when it comes to equality and my feminist instincts).
Additionally, I've long doubted that there was anyone really out there for me, who could handle both my many, many ups and downs. I'm quiet a force to be reckoned with when I get riled up. I remember being told when I was a tween to make a list of all the things I wanted in a guy and pray for it. I think most girls have a kind of "list," whether written or mental. I always hated the word "list" when it relates to a guy, because I feel like it kind of makes one close-minded to the different options out there in the vast ocean of fish. Still, it happens, and throughout the years I've kind of honed my list as I began to really learn myself. The thing is, compared to my friends and other girls I've met, my list is fairly short, yet I'm probably the most picky chooser out there. I don't necessarily need every qualification filled, but I refuse to settle. Still, at the same time I have my "list," I feel like with or without it, I'll just know.
Anyways, if I have you curious now as to my standards, here they are:
1. Christian. While I will probably not agree with everything my husband says or believes, I do want him to be a strong male and "head" of the family. He cannot do this without being a strong Christian man.
2. Musician. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about this. He has to have musical talent. There's no point in me giving up Josh Groban, if my husband can't do something with an instrument (and yes, a voice is an instrument).
3. Funny/Fun. As part of my emotional roller coaster life, I tend to take myself too seriously at times. I need someone who can help balance me out. Someone who can help lead me into the fun times life has to offer. However, he has to be able to take himself seriously at times.
4. Intelligent with ambition. I require someone who is at least as smart/intelligent as me if not more so. I don't mind being told I'm wrong. I quite enjoy a good, heated debate, and I plan on having many with my future husband. But I will not settle for a guy who is content to let their God-given gifts go to waste. He doesn't have to be rich or famous, but he needs to inspire and encourage me through actions, not just words.
5. This one is mainly for fun. But it would be nice if "my guy" rode a motorcycle. :D
Anyways, this is my list. 5 things. That's all I'm really looking for. I have nothing about looks or specific personality types. But, you can see why it's taking me a while to find "the one." I read an article the other day stating that girls who look for guys just wanting to have fun usually end up with the long-term relationships, while girls who look for the long-term relationships usually end up with squat. My thing is I'm not really looking for either one. I feel like if I try to label something it will never appear. My philosophy is to take what comes as it comes. If it comes in the form of a friendship great. If it comes in the term of a short-term something- let's have fun. If it comes as a long-term thing, let's talk about it. But I'm not going out in the world "searching."
Conclusion:
Which leads me to my next point. Going back to the domestic violence and relationship questions, one of the things I've picked up on (long before my job actually) is that most girls and women get in trouble because they are searching. They are searching for the "knight-in-shining-armor" who will rescue them and fill them. These women end up getting torn to shreds by the sharpened swords of their so-called "knights." But they continue to look. Why? Because, let's face it. As women, we want to feel safe. We want to know that there is a guy out there who is willing to protect us. But, we are not patient enough to let him come to us and court us.
My deepest desire in life is . . . to be held. That's all. I want a guy who is willing to hold me through all the bad crap the fates throw in my direction. I don't need a guy who has all the answers, or one who can take away all of life's pain. I just need a guy who is willing to hold me through it all. But, if I go through life, trying to find those qualities in a man, then I'm going to read into men what I want them to be. I'm going to force my standards on them. And them I'm the one who is going to get hurt, and I feel that is why many women get hurt over and over again. In their desperation to be held and loved, they search and search instead of letting it come to them. Then, they get tired and start to see man after man who "fits" their "list." When in reality, they are seeing them through dreary, sleep-deprived eyes.
So, to all women readers of this blog, single or taken, take a pledge with me. Promise to love and respect yourself enough to trust that their is someone out there for you. Someone who will love you and cherish you. Promise yourself that you won't settle for someone who sweet talks you without depth. Promise yourself that you will give yourself time alone to learn who you are, so that when you meet your match, you will feel the "fit." Respect yourself enough not to throw your love away on someone you know will not satisfy you. Keep asking yourself, "What do I need?" and "Is he able and willing to give me what I need?"
I never thought there would be anyone out there for me, and I was becoming quite content and happy in my single life. I basked in the freedom. Now, I don't know who is out there for me, but I have faith that he will come to me one day. One day, I will have my hug. Until that day, I will love myself enough to be content in what I have.
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I once heard this song by sheer luck on a friend's facebook wall (although she denies all memory of it). Ever since then, I have been enamored by the words. It's written by Jason Robert Brown (a true genius).
SOMEONE TO FALL BACK ON
I’ll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Don’t count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
You’ll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I don’t walk on coals,
I won’t walk on water:
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone’s wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.
Some comedy -
You’re bruised and beaten down
And I’m the one
Who’s looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You don’t believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I don’t make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if that’s what you believe you need,
You’re wrong - you don’t need much,
You need someone to fall back on...
And I’ll be that:
I’ll take your side.
If I’m the only one,
I’m used to that.
I’ve been alone,
I’d rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.
And I will be
Your prince,
I’ll be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
I’ll be someone to fall back on!
I’ll be the one who waits,
And for as long as you’ll let me,
I will be the one you need.
I’ll be someone to fall back on:
Your prince,
Your saint,
The one you believe you need
I’ll be - I’ll be
Someone to fall back on.
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