The Stalker in Me

Let’s face it. Anyone who knows me knows I get depressed easily. This can be attributed to a variety of reasons – at least that’s what I’ve been told, or at least led to believe. Some of my favorite reasons are because “I’m an artist,” but more importantly “It’s genetic.” While some of these factors may be true, I refuse to let them define me, control me.

Yes, my mother is bipolar, and depression runs in the family, but I’m not bipolar. I don’t have to let my feelings take control. Yes, I’m an artist, and a single song can put me through an emotional roller coaster ride, but I can choose not to act out because of that roller coaster.

It’s hard. Man, is it hard sometimes. And for the longest time, I had no idea had to get my emotions under control, so that they wouldn’t affect my life, my choices. But then God started showing me, in small, understated ways, things to do, thoughts to dwell on – to make me, well, saner. It's a daily fight for me, to keep a more cheery disposition. Some days, I do really well. Sometimes I can go days and weeks at a time being pure sunshine. But that doesn't mean it's not a fight. It just means that I'm good at fighting.

Basically, it all boils down to one key: the simple things. However, among my greatest cathartic sources are:

1. Music – Like I said, a single song can put me in an emotional tailspin, but eventually I circle the 360 degrees needed to put me back on top. The trick is to find the right genre, the right theme, the right words.

2. Art – This one only works when I can get completely out of my head. I have to get so involved in the piece itself, that the entire world slips away. Whether it’s poetry, writing in general, or actual art, as I put my emotions on paper, through graphite or the alphabet, it gets out of me. It changes me. I start to see and understand things which I had been oblivious to before.

3. Reading – This is pretty much self-explanatory.

4. Walking - Long, long walks. 3-4 miles of music and walking. Loud, quiet, soul-wrenching. Walking.

5. Stalking – Let me explain, because this is probably the most important reason for my sanity, for my strength. All of the other cathartic exercises are good, in that they help me get everything out of my system. But, at the same time, they also keep others out and isolate me. A catch-22, because the more I’m isolated, the easier it is for me to become depressed.

Now, I’m not a social person by nature, but I’ve learned through the past 22 years that I need society. Well, at least I need my own social circle. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn how to do, to reach out. By nature I keep things in, hidden where no one can see. But, I’ve had examples in my life that show me the dangers of that. So, naturally I swung to the extreme. Where I used to keep everything in, now I keep nothing in. I rarely keep a personal secret.

Part, if not most of this lack of balance is due to fear. I’m so afraid that if I slip up, then I will turn into my mother, and while that’s not a completely bad thing as my mother is a completely WONDERFUL person, she’s also in permanent pain.

So, all this is to say that I “stalk” my friends, to keep me in check. When I’m hurting or upset, I’ll constantly text or facebook comment in order to keep ties to someone other than myself. We all want to feel like we’re listened to, heard. But for me it goes beyond that. Personally, most of the time I couldn’t care less if someone actually paid attention and listened to me. I would be just as happy hearing them speak of themselves. I just want to know that there is someone out there I’m connected to. That I’m not alone. Even if we’re carrying on two different conversations.

Often times I think I over-chat to the point of annoyance on the part of my friends. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But, in the end, I keep my sanity (well, sort of). :D

On a side note, I would like to add that I don’t ONLY talk to my friends when I’m upset. I also speak to them and listen and stalk them when THEY are upset. And oftentimes, I like talking to them when I’m happy. Let’s face it. It sucks seeing something or hearing something that makes you smile, but you have no one to share it with. So, I share it with my friends who are hundreds and thousands of miles away. :D