Here's the thing. For those of you are aren't obsessed with this underrated blog, I am an advocate at a domestic violence shelter. And I love it! I love working the people (especially the little children), and I love working with the clients, and meeting challenges head-on.
However, I am beginning to THINK that I'm not so good at it. This bothers me more than a little. Anyone who has known me for a while (since my high school days or before) knows that my personality type is geared toward perfectionism. And, even though I have worked extremely hard on that, and have geared down a whole heck of a lot, my basic instinct tells me that if I don't get something right away, I'm a failure at it.
Logically, I know this isn't true, but when I'm used to getting, doing, and understanding things easily, it becomes frustrating to know that there are things you just can't do. Now, notice that I emphasized the word THINK in the previous paragraph. This is because I'm not sure. My main problem comes from the fact that I've been working four weeks, and I've already made one client and one teenage child of a client mad at me. Well, pissed beyond reason is more accurate.
But, I have two theories as to why this is so.
1. When I was interviewed for the job, I was told that the supervisors were looking for people who would stick to the rules and make sure the clients followed the rules. When the advocates get relaxed, then the clients get relaxed and too comfortable, and the shelter falls apart. Well, I'm definitely one to follow the rules. As much as possible, I try to make the clients follow the rules and several of them complain about it.
Additionally, I don't yell. I have never raised my voice, even when "reprimanding" a client. I say reprimanding, but there's not much I can do. I have never used language. I keep my voice steady and even, slightly monotoned. This makes them even angrier I think. I even got called prissy today. I didn't know to laugh or cry at this accusation. Sometimes, I think they would prefer it if I yelled. They may be much more used to it and know how to handle it better.
2. The second theory could be that my personality is just not suitable. While I do have some good relations with some of the clients, I may be slightly off-putting with my forceful rule-following, and low, even voice. I know I'm not a natural conversationalist, but I am a good listener and problem-solver (most of the time). But I'm also direct (usually).
Anyways, the past week has been rough. Just when I think I'm making progress and growing, a bomb explodes with force. And I've only been working four weeks. I think back to Russia and remember how bad I was at first, and that gives me hope. But still, when you are being attacked by the people you want to help, then . . . And, despite it all, I still really enjoy my job. And, as depressed as I get about these matters, I still am actually rather happy and hopeful in general right now. I feel and see things working out. I know who holds my future, and I can rejoice and "be exceedingly glad."
The good news is that I have amazing friends. Seriously, I have been blessed by God with so many amazing people in my life that are great encouragements to me. And, I know that I can always call and vent to one of them when things get extra stressful. They always know how to put a smile on my face. Yes, you guys know who you are, and I thank you a thousand times over for putting up with me and seeing me through. You guys allow me to express anger and sadness, but you also allow me to be my general kooky self without judgment or amazed shock.
Since I have now poured out and purged myself of all emotion regarding tonight, I'm going to go back to being happy and light-hearted. Because, that's the me I want to be.
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