Maybe

This blog is changing a little. It's no longer just for my wanna-be poetic ramblings. It's now just for my ramblings in general. Whatever enters my head.

Right now I'm listening to "L" by The South Beach Riot. It's melancholy strains pull at me, at the me I've been ignoring, trying to make go away. I came home to be with my mother, to help my family get back up on its feet. But in doing so I've been swept off my feet. How can everything seem so right and deep inside it's right. But it feels so wrong. I feel like my life has stalled. Yet, the strange thing is I like what I'm doing.

I'm an advocate at a women's shelter for women and children of domestic violence. I get to stand up for and help people who feel like they have no voice. Well, I have plenty of voice. Additionally, I get a chance to cook lunch for my mother everyday, and help relieve my father of a tiny portion of his heavy burden. Not to mention that my memaw always has a mile long list for me. And, for the first time in a while, I'm involved in a church and a community. I've missed that.

Still, something is missing. People. All of my friends have spread out, and talking against time differences and distance isn't the same. I miss having friends to regularly hang out with and share with. A text doesn't replace a hug when I'm blue. Laughing alone is never as fun as laughing with a group.

Then there is school. I am totally confessing and showing my nerd factor, but I miss school. Learning is such a huge part of me. My head is constantly speeding pell-mell down a rabbit-train of thoughts, and I miss like-minded people I can talk things over with. I revel in challenges, but the only thing challenging me, really challenging me, is life - figuring out where I'm headed, where I'm supposed to go from here.

And then there is the single factor. I was enjoying and reveling in my single factor. I had complete freedom to go where I wanted when I wanted. Family ties are enough to tie one down, I didn't need any other chains. But recently, I don't know. I'm way too young to have a biological clock ticking and frankly, I don't know if I'll ever have one. But the thought of someone is getting nicer and nicer. Someone to be there to just hold me or scold me. Either one will work as long as they're there. In the end, that's all I want. Someone to be there for me when my world goes black and blue with spots of purples and greens. Where is he? I don't know. Maybe I won't know for a while. But I'm beginning to miss him.

Friends, School, Soulmate: Life isn't perfect, and I've given up on feeling truly blissfully happy right now. Maybe I just need sleep. Maybe I just need a new perspective. Maybe I just need to change the music. (After all, melancholy music = melancholy thoughts) Either way, I will be appreciative in what I have. In the meantime, I will learn to serve. I'll serve my family, my church, my community, and maybe, just maybe, through it all I'll find happiness again; I'll learn to be content.