Whisper to the Stars

Whisper your wishes to the stars.
Blow them to the moon.
Kiss the ground which holds you captive.
Believe the truth which frees you.

In each heart there lies a moment.
A dream which captures two.
In each heart there lies an echo.
Each chord sounding new.

And, if we were to come together.
Would the stars and moon not bleed?
Our passion stirs their jealousy.
As our souls feed their greed.

So, whisper your wishes to the stars.
Blow them to the moon.
And while their lights may blind us.
The ground, it holds our tune.

So, kiss me with those lips.
Those lips which kissed the ground.
And we'll dance in blood and jealousy.
As we create our sound.

A blessed sacrifice of the stars and moon.
We claim this night as ours.
Too big, too grand for their heavens.
From this love we gain their power.


****This is still a work in progress, but I had to get it down before I forgot. What do you think? Any potential here?

Soul Song

Earlier this week I made a fb comment that souls should have theme songs. When asked what mine would be at first, I couldn't think of any. But then it hit me that since the thought came to me while listening to OneRepublic's "Come Home," then according to Freudian logic, that would probably be my soul's theme song. And incidentally, it fits this stage of my life.

And yet, the way the song fits probably isn't the way you are thinking. For those who aren't familiar with the words, I'll post them below. However, basically, the narrating voice is calling home his/her beloved who seems to be off doing his or her own thing, looking for something. In this song, my soul's theme song, I'm not the one doing the calling. I'm the one wanting, waiting to be called. Much of the time I'm content to be wandering, but I admit, I miss having a home, having a someone. While I like change and movement, I would also like to be more settled, to feel like I actually belong somewhere. I feel like as much as I wander, I'm actually looking for a place where I can see myself creating strong ties, becoming one with the people.

And then of course, the deeper connotations of home ring true too. Home isn't just a place, it's the people you share it with. I live in a house with my family, but it's not my home. It's a blessing, but it's not ME or for ME. And I miss this. I long for my own place which I can decorate, a place where I can play hostess, where I can build a life of my choosing.

Maybe somewhere, someone is waiting for me like I'm waiting for them. Maybe there calling my name right now and I just can't hear it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that there is a home for me, and one day I will enter it.


"Come Home" by OneRepublic

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say to you..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeah
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

Who I Am

On several posts I've made mention of the fact that I'm trying to find my way back to the me I used to be and still balance it with my newfound lackadaisical ways. For the past year and a half or so, I've been battling who I was. I kept trying to change from my no-nonsense hard ass personality. And for many reasons, that change was good. I became waaayyyy more laid back. More understanding of a lot of things.

But in changing so much (or fighting who I was), I lost a big part of me that kept me together. Now, I'm finding that me again. And I'm learning that I can stand up for myself and who I am and what I believe in, I can keep the hard-ass me, but still be laid back and casual. I can still be my academic nerd self who pushes herself to her breaking point, but I can also go off to Russia or take a roadtrip to wherever at random thought's notice.

But, most of all, I'm not going to let people treat me like crap or make me feel guilty. And, I'm not going to break down or throw myself at anybody just because I'm feeling weak.

I can love, but I don't have to fall apart because of it. Because I'm the daughter of a King. And I deserve to be treated special and be accepted by both my family and my friends.

I'm a nerd in many ways. I'm an artist, and a musician, and a scholar. I objectify and criticize. I analyze and then synthesize. I enjoy learning, writing research papers, and making connections.

In many ways, I'm very naive. I trust people with a fierce loyalty. And at the same time, it's hard for me to trust. My heart automatically goes to believing the best in people, while my mind tries to rationalize and be realistic. I've been let down too many times to count. But I keep on.

I have an overactive imagination. I read a lot into things. I overanalyze the small details, including road signs. Yes, road signs can be anaylzed. It usually makes me end up lost, both on the road and in life.

I love whole-heartedly, but I refuse to let that turn me into a welcome mat. I don't like confrontaion, but I'm not afraid of it, and I will tell you you're being an ass, stupid, or whatever. I'll also tell you how grateful I am for your presence in my life and how wonderful you are...and I'll mean it with everything I am.

This is me. This is who I am.

People Out

Sleepless and ignored. That's been my life recently. Out of the past three nights, two of the nights I continuously woke up several times each hour, meaning I didn't sleep. The third night I slept, but then I had a strange and disconcerting dream which woke me up around 4. Sleep did not come again.

So, I'm tired. Work has been busy and left me with no time to do my paperwork. Not only am I behind on this week, but I'm still trying to catch up from last week. The good news is that I've started accompanying clients to court, which is interesting and exciting for me, dork that I am.

Then, there's the ignored bit. Now this I could completely be overreacting on (especially since I'm tired), but that doesn't matter right now. For the past month or two I've noticed a trend. I'm the one that almost always contacts my friends. Yet, if they're really my friends, shouldn't they also try to reach me via text, fb, phone, skype, email, etc. It's not like I'm that hard to reach.

I'm just tired of fighting for things that fall through my fingers. If they're going to fall through anyways, then why should I try? If I'm not that much of an important person in their life that they can't pick up the phone to call me for 5 minutes every so often, then what am I doing? Am I actually doing any good? Am I actually saving something when I reach out? Or am I just trying to cling to something that's only important to me? I don't know. But, I'm fed up with it. And I'm pulling back.

If people want me, they can contact me. Sure, my life will prob. get a lot more quiet, a little lonelier. But, maybe I'll actually start studying for THE BIG test coming up. Maybe a little rest from people will let me focus and gain new priorities. For the longest time, I've tried to make the people in my life my priority. I thought that's what we are supposed to do as friends, Christians, human beings. But, I've been wrong lots of times before, and I'll be wrong again.

So, for at least this next week I am pulling out of facebook. It's just another reminder of the people talk around me, rarely to me without my incitement. Plus, on fb, it's so much easier to be misunderstood, misread, misheard (figuratively I mean). This causes many more problems, and I'm tired of cleaning up problems. I've been the solution person for so long, now I'm going to fade out and let people clean up their own messes. Make their own misunderstandings.

And yes, this post sounds more bitter than I intended which probably has something to do with the exhaustion taking over my body and clouding my mind. But maybe I've got the point across, maybe not. But, right now, I'm too tired to care.

However, one thing is going right: work. Like I said earlier I've started going tto court with clients at work. I love my job. It has become the best part of my life, and one of the biggest things. I love my clients and my coworkers. And, I love how it's bringing me back to who I am.

My life is a yo yo

Meltdown. Then straight face. Fake it. Act like everything's fine, nothing happened. Soon, you start to believe it. You're strong enough to handle it. You just overreacted. You can do it. Things will be fine. Look how beautiful the world is. See the stars, shining in the sky, just for you. Feel the sun, kissing your skin, the wind caressing your hair. Just for you. It's beautiful. And then your world crashes down again. Repeat.

My life is a yo yo, and just when things appear to be lifting, the sky falls down. The pain comes. And maybe it would be okay if I could just stop melting. If I could hold myself solid and just deal with it. I used to...for the most part. But the more it happens, the worse my reaction. And I hate it. I hate reacting to everything that happens. In my head I know the pattern, I know what will happen next, and if I can just bypass the meltdown, the feeling. If I could hold it all in again, maybe I'd be able to handle everything better.

But then, then I wouldn't be me. And if there were no pain, then how could I feel the sun kissing me? How would I find solace in the stars, shining bright, just for me. So, I'll take the pain. I'll fight against the odds. And one day, one day, maybe I'll win. My string will break, and I'll roll free in the grass.

Like Wax

Happy New Year everyone. How many of you out there, in the vast internet galaxy, have made New Years Resolutions? I didn't. I rarely do. With me, if I really want, I go after it right there and then. Why wait till the new year. What makes it so special?

Anyways, I don't want to rant right now. I want to mellow. I want to fade into the flame flickering in the center of my oatmeal cookie scented candle. I want to become the wax, gently melting into a pool of viscous liquid. I want to become the notes of the Alexz Johnson songs I'm listening to, to have my soul become a melody, my life the harmony.

In a yoga class I once attended, the teacher would have us do the corpse pose at the end of each session. As she would walk around, she would tell us to close our eyes and to imagine our body loosening and melting into the floor, becoming one with it. Well, that's what I want. To have my body drift and mingle and combine with the atoms of the universe. I want to float and soar, dive and drown. Be everyone and no one, everywhere and nowhere.

The past couple weeks have been crazy and wonderful and horrible and everything to me and nothing to me in the long scheme of things. My cousin was married to a wonderful man on December 23rd. She was a gorgeous bride. The wedding was, in all honesty, the wedding of my dreams. It seems strange,having her married. She's two months younger than me. She's the first one of my cousins to get married. Family traditions and gatherings have been changing for awhile now, slowly, but now...it's like her wedding officially announced the change. We are not the same. We will never be the same again.

But, I've been able to manage my priorities and get myself focused in a direction at least. I've found a part of me that I had thought I lost with graduation. It was right there the whole time, peaking out occasionally. I can still write and research. My books still hold an infinite power over me as they call my name. And even though I was a queen procrastinator all throughout school, I still rocked out the papers and books. And I know I can still do so. I'm easily distracted, yes, but I know what I want, and I won't let anything or anybody get in my way. I never have really, and I won't. I can't.

I've officially signed up for the LSAT - finally. Through finances, work, and family obligations, I haven't been able to take it yet. But, as of February 11th, that will no longer be true. Am I expecting to do brilliantly? No. But, I should do decently - hopefully. I've also decided on my top three universities that I want to apply to and have started the application process. Everything is finally starting to feel real to me again, and it scares me. It scares me knowing what's going to happen in the future. Or what's not going to happen. While so much is still unknown, I'm choosing the path I'm taking, pointing myself in a very specific direction. And, while I know mostly that it's the right path, there's still so much that could go wrong, so much that could go exactly right.

So, as usual, I'll continue to wait to see what happens. See, that's what I mean. So much has changed and is changing. And yet, essentially, nothing changes. Every second is different from the one before. Nothing is new under the sun. So, as changes come I will deal with them, as I always do. I'll handle the ups and downs; I'll take the tears and the laughter. I'll float and melt. I'll be solidly me and yet melt like wax, falling and clinging to the surface as it turns from a liquid to a solid to a liquid to a solid. All it needs is the heat of flame to change it completely. All it needs is a cool breeze to restore it.

I Will Be Your Sunrise

I will be your sunrise.
When the darkness closes in.
I will be your sunrise.
When truth is blocked by din.

In your head, only shadows exist.
So let my light come in.
Let my words erase the scars.
The scars that time has made.

Listen, hear my pictures in your mind
Reds and blues and greens
Let the hues of majesty
Cover over the bleeding black

I’ll be your sunrise.
When you need me to,
I’ll sing your praises to the stars.
Of how great you truly are.

Don’t give into the shadows
The grays and darkest black hues
Look for the light that shines
That refuses to go out

Look for the light in me
Can’t you see it.
It will never die, this
Eternal Sunrise in your name

For after all,
I am your reflection
A creation of your mind and body
I can be your sunrise,

I can and I will be your sunrise
Because you made me so
My life is nothing but a mirror
Created to reflect the light that is hiding within you

Because, I am you.
And because you are me
I will be your sunrise
With everything I am.