I was talking to a friend the other day, and out of the blue I came up with the friend adjective. And ever since then I've been thinking about it. Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.
Think about life in general. We assign adjectives to everything! We have pretty women, delicious food, bad weather, horrible days. Shouldn't the adjectives we give to our friends be just as varied. If each of our friends are different, and each are special to us in different ways, then shouldn't they have a description to fit that other than just the original BFF?
So, in honor of "the friend adjective," I'm going to briefly give tribute to some of the best people I know.
The Amazing Friend
Victoria, and by extension her husband John, is probably one of the most amazing women I know. She's definitely my most amazing friend. I'm constantly in awe of everything she is and everything she does. She held out and managed with a newborn and then one year old son while her husband was in training and then Korea. She went through school. She took something she was interested in, became passionate about it, and then set off to learn as much as she can about it. She started her own business. And, to improve that business, she obtained another side job so that she could learn as much as she could about her chosen profession.
Additionally, she and John are lessons in what it means to love and grow as a couple. Being able to spend some time with them has been such a huge blessing for me. Many of my cynical thoughts on marriage have stunned by watching them interact with each other and with their son.
Then, there is Victoria's heart. She's one of the most loving people I know. And I love her so much for it. She has such a warm and open heart. And she's always there for me. Always. For all of these reasons and more, she's my "amazing" friend.
The Go-to friend
We all have, or should have, that friend we can go to whenever something happens. That friend that will rejoice with you, cry with you, encourage you, pray with you, laugh with you. This friend is so much more than just my go-to friend though, he's also my awesome friend.
Mine and Kyle's friendship started a couple of years ago over a discussion of the best way to cook a gall bladder. I mean, how much more awesome can you get than that? Ever since then he has slowly grown in importance to me. Now, he's one of my best friends.
Maybe one of the things that has drawn us together is that we've both been hurt by life in one fashion or another. We can relate to each other, encourage each other. We can also call each other out when need be. For some reason I've found that I can talk to Kyle about anything. Anything. Which I need. For so long I prayed to God to send me someone who can truly support me and lift me up. He sent me Kyle.
Kyle's overcome a lot in his life, thanks to the help of God. Because of it, he such great strength and a pretty-cool, if sometimes slightly odd/weird/disturbing (I say this with love) character. He's an awesome friend and is always there when I need to talk, rant, jump around joyously. In addition to all of this, he's one of the most intelligent people I know (and I know quite a few who top the charts). He's always learning, always reading, always teaching and mentoring. He also has a huge heart, especially towards cats and little kids like his nephew.
Let's face it. He's awesome. He's my go-to friend.
The Inspiring friend
Olivia has constantly been the friend that pushes me to be better. I have the utmost respect for everything she is, does, and will continue to do. Never have I met someone who can get inside my intellectual head like she does. Our friendship was destined from the moment we found out that we were both pursuing a double degree in History and English. Then, when we became study partners because we shared almost every class together. She was my competition, my inspiration, my friend with whom I could lament to and gossip about the professors.
Our shared mutual interest in art, history, writing, reading, cinema, etc has led us to many other wonderful conversations. She's open and friendly and welcoming and ready to take me in. She
Today, she is in law school with an internship in Korea. She keeps me strong and working intellectually. And while we share different pursuits in the law sphere, she's the one who encourages me and inspires me to chase down and follow that dream. I admire everything she's doing and her courage to explore new territories. She's a hard worker and a diligent student.
The Forever Friend
This title in no way reflects on the expected length of the above friendships. But, there are some friendships that are so meant to be that not even time or distance can end them. My friendship with Kassie is like that. We have our times when we might go a month or so without a lot of contact, but when we get together, we can always catch up. Always fit. She's been one of my truest best friends since seventh grade. She was there with me through everything that went on with my mother. She was there with me during the hard times of high school. She was there with me when I wanted to scream. When I went through my own manic phase, she just laughed right along with me.
She's creative, intelligent, gentle, loving. She's also a rocking drummer, and a hard and strong country girl. We've watched each other grow, and I know that we will continue to do so until we're old ladies skydiving together over Tokyo. I can't imagine anyone else I'd want to have as my forever friend. She's my sister.
The Friend Friends
This goes out to the two women who taught me what friendship is all about. Lena and Alex. They were my best friends in Russia, and two wonderful women who greatly impacted my life. For the longest time I had been cast in specific friend mold, but these two women helped break me out and opened my eyes to so much more. They taught me more about myself than 21 years of life had done. I can never thank them enough. I'll always celebrate the times we got together to laugh and eat and laugh some more.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The BIG One
So, I'm anxiously getting ready for the BIG one, and no, it's NOT the Superbowl. Rather, it's the LSAT. Ahhhh. *freak out dance begins*
On Feb. 11th I take the LSAT, and I am nervous. While I've studied more for the this test than almost any other test I've ever taken, that's not saying a lot. I'm a crammer, and although I studied and studied my senior year of uni, it was nothing like I'm doing now. I feel like I should have started studying months and months ago instead of a week and a half ago. Even then, I should have put in more time than 3-4 hours a week. My practice scores keep going up and down, up and down, never where my perfectionist self wants them to be.
But, one thing I will admit to is that I enjoy this. I've missed having a purposeful study in my life. Working through problems is relaxing, comforting. It allows my mind to focus on ONE thing, going through it step by step until the answer dances before me.
At work I constantly have five to ten things to sort through, solve, write down, or plan. Like I've mentioned before, I'm a professional juggler. And, while I love my work, it does get exhausting, especially now that my duties have begun to include some legal advocacy. But, I'm not complaining. It's still the best job I've had by far, and I still love my clients.
In fact (and this is continuing the off-topic mode I just began), I had a complete turn around in one of my clients. For the past several weeks I've had a teenage client who has seriously (and I mean SERIOUSLY) tested my patience. It has taken every single fiber of my over-large body to keep my voice from lashing her to pieces. But, I have resisted. Monday night was about to change everything. I was on the verge of a breakdown with her when I just lifted up my prayer to God, the miracle worker. I told him that I could no longer handle this, and something needed to be worked out in both of our lives or blood would be shed. Okay, that last bit is a slight hyperbole, but it carries the sentiment across. Anyways, within two hours the client was asking me for help setting up anger management classes. This is a HUGE step for her. HUGE. Then, yesterday, the aforementioned client was surprisingly pleasant ALL day long, not just for an hour or so. What a blessing!!
But, back to the BIG one. As I said I'm extremely nervous about this test because I really want to prove to myself that I do belong back on a campus. And, more importantly, I want to be able to chose my campus. Now, I know that ultimately, I will end up where God wants me. But, if it's where I feel like I'm currently being led, then I really need to well. Which means more studying. Unfortunately, the way my life works, the past week or so when I have actually been committed to studying, everything changes. Not only am I working 45+ hours a week in an extremely strange schedule, I'm also working with Upwards basketball 4-7 hours a week. And then, there's the sunshine. It's sooooo gorgeous outside that I'm trying to ride my bike as much as possible.
Now, I know this sounds like a bunch of excuses, and maybe they are, but I am trying, for the most part. However, this next week and a half I WILL step it up a couple of notches no matter what. I have an amazing mother who is my inspiration. Despite all she's been through and how hard it is for her to concentrate on one thing, she studied her butt off for her music therapy recertification test which must be taken every 5 years. And she PASSED!!! As I go in for this last leg of the journey, she'll be what guides me to the finish line.
On Feb. 11th I take the LSAT, and I am nervous. While I've studied more for the this test than almost any other test I've ever taken, that's not saying a lot. I'm a crammer, and although I studied and studied my senior year of uni, it was nothing like I'm doing now. I feel like I should have started studying months and months ago instead of a week and a half ago. Even then, I should have put in more time than 3-4 hours a week. My practice scores keep going up and down, up and down, never where my perfectionist self wants them to be.
But, one thing I will admit to is that I enjoy this. I've missed having a purposeful study in my life. Working through problems is relaxing, comforting. It allows my mind to focus on ONE thing, going through it step by step until the answer dances before me.
At work I constantly have five to ten things to sort through, solve, write down, or plan. Like I've mentioned before, I'm a professional juggler. And, while I love my work, it does get exhausting, especially now that my duties have begun to include some legal advocacy. But, I'm not complaining. It's still the best job I've had by far, and I still love my clients.
In fact (and this is continuing the off-topic mode I just began), I had a complete turn around in one of my clients. For the past several weeks I've had a teenage client who has seriously (and I mean SERIOUSLY) tested my patience. It has taken every single fiber of my over-large body to keep my voice from lashing her to pieces. But, I have resisted. Monday night was about to change everything. I was on the verge of a breakdown with her when I just lifted up my prayer to God, the miracle worker. I told him that I could no longer handle this, and something needed to be worked out in both of our lives or blood would be shed. Okay, that last bit is a slight hyperbole, but it carries the sentiment across. Anyways, within two hours the client was asking me for help setting up anger management classes. This is a HUGE step for her. HUGE. Then, yesterday, the aforementioned client was surprisingly pleasant ALL day long, not just for an hour or so. What a blessing!!
But, back to the BIG one. As I said I'm extremely nervous about this test because I really want to prove to myself that I do belong back on a campus. And, more importantly, I want to be able to chose my campus. Now, I know that ultimately, I will end up where God wants me. But, if it's where I feel like I'm currently being led, then I really need to well. Which means more studying. Unfortunately, the way my life works, the past week or so when I have actually been committed to studying, everything changes. Not only am I working 45+ hours a week in an extremely strange schedule, I'm also working with Upwards basketball 4-7 hours a week. And then, there's the sunshine. It's sooooo gorgeous outside that I'm trying to ride my bike as much as possible.
Now, I know this sounds like a bunch of excuses, and maybe they are, but I am trying, for the most part. However, this next week and a half I WILL step it up a couple of notches no matter what. I have an amazing mother who is my inspiration. Despite all she's been through and how hard it is for her to concentrate on one thing, she studied her butt off for her music therapy recertification test which must be taken every 5 years. And she PASSED!!! As I go in for this last leg of the journey, she'll be what guides me to the finish line.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Soul Song
Earlier this week I made a fb comment that souls should have theme songs. When asked what mine would be at first, I couldn't think of any. But then it hit me that since the thought came to me while listening to OneRepublic's "Come Home," then according to Freudian logic, that would probably be my soul's theme song. And incidentally, it fits this stage of my life.
And yet, the way the song fits probably isn't the way you are thinking. For those who aren't familiar with the words, I'll post them below. However, basically, the narrating voice is calling home his/her beloved who seems to be off doing his or her own thing, looking for something. In this song, my soul's theme song, I'm not the one doing the calling. I'm the one wanting, waiting to be called. Much of the time I'm content to be wandering, but I admit, I miss having a home, having a someone. While I like change and movement, I would also like to be more settled, to feel like I actually belong somewhere. I feel like as much as I wander, I'm actually looking for a place where I can see myself creating strong ties, becoming one with the people.
And then of course, the deeper connotations of home ring true too. Home isn't just a place, it's the people you share it with. I live in a house with my family, but it's not my home. It's a blessing, but it's not ME or for ME. And I miss this. I long for my own place which I can decorate, a place where I can play hostess, where I can build a life of my choosing.
Maybe somewhere, someone is waiting for me like I'm waiting for them. Maybe there calling my name right now and I just can't hear it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that there is a home for me, and one day I will enter it.
"Come Home" by OneRepublic
[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say to you..
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh
[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeah
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh
[Interlude]
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
So hear this now
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home
And yet, the way the song fits probably isn't the way you are thinking. For those who aren't familiar with the words, I'll post them below. However, basically, the narrating voice is calling home his/her beloved who seems to be off doing his or her own thing, looking for something. In this song, my soul's theme song, I'm not the one doing the calling. I'm the one wanting, waiting to be called. Much of the time I'm content to be wandering, but I admit, I miss having a home, having a someone. While I like change and movement, I would also like to be more settled, to feel like I actually belong somewhere. I feel like as much as I wander, I'm actually looking for a place where I can see myself creating strong ties, becoming one with the people.
And then of course, the deeper connotations of home ring true too. Home isn't just a place, it's the people you share it with. I live in a house with my family, but it's not my home. It's a blessing, but it's not ME or for ME. And I miss this. I long for my own place which I can decorate, a place where I can play hostess, where I can build a life of my choosing.
Maybe somewhere, someone is waiting for me like I'm waiting for them. Maybe there calling my name right now and I just can't hear it. It doesn't matter. What matters is that there is a home for me, and one day I will enter it.
"Come Home" by OneRepublic
[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say to you..
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh
[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeah
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh
[Interlude]
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
So hear this now
[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home
Who I Am
On several posts I've made mention of the fact that I'm trying to find my way back to the me I used to be and still balance it with my newfound lackadaisical ways. For the past year and a half or so, I've been battling who I was. I kept trying to change from my no-nonsense hard ass personality. And for many reasons, that change was good. I became waaayyyy more laid back. More understanding of a lot of things.
But in changing so much (or fighting who I was), I lost a big part of me that kept me together. Now, I'm finding that me again. And I'm learning that I can stand up for myself and who I am and what I believe in, I can keep the hard-ass me, but still be laid back and casual. I can still be my academic nerd self who pushes herself to her breaking point, but I can also go off to Russia or take a roadtrip to wherever at random thought's notice.
But, most of all, I'm not going to let people treat me like crap or make me feel guilty. And, I'm not going to break down or throw myself at anybody just because I'm feeling weak.
I can love, but I don't have to fall apart because of it. Because I'm the daughter of a King. And I deserve to be treated special and be accepted by both my family and my friends.
I'm a nerd in many ways. I'm an artist, and a musician, and a scholar. I objectify and criticize. I analyze and then synthesize. I enjoy learning, writing research papers, and making connections.
In many ways, I'm very naive. I trust people with a fierce loyalty. And at the same time, it's hard for me to trust. My heart automatically goes to believing the best in people, while my mind tries to rationalize and be realistic. I've been let down too many times to count. But I keep on.
I have an overactive imagination. I read a lot into things. I overanalyze the small details, including road signs. Yes, road signs can be anaylzed. It usually makes me end up lost, both on the road and in life.
I love whole-heartedly, but I refuse to let that turn me into a welcome mat. I don't like confrontaion, but I'm not afraid of it, and I will tell you you're being an ass, stupid, or whatever. I'll also tell you how grateful I am for your presence in my life and how wonderful you are...and I'll mean it with everything I am.
This is me. This is who I am.
But in changing so much (or fighting who I was), I lost a big part of me that kept me together. Now, I'm finding that me again. And I'm learning that I can stand up for myself and who I am and what I believe in, I can keep the hard-ass me, but still be laid back and casual. I can still be my academic nerd self who pushes herself to her breaking point, but I can also go off to Russia or take a roadtrip to wherever at random thought's notice.
But, most of all, I'm not going to let people treat me like crap or make me feel guilty. And, I'm not going to break down or throw myself at anybody just because I'm feeling weak.
I can love, but I don't have to fall apart because of it. Because I'm the daughter of a King. And I deserve to be treated special and be accepted by both my family and my friends.
I'm a nerd in many ways. I'm an artist, and a musician, and a scholar. I objectify and criticize. I analyze and then synthesize. I enjoy learning, writing research papers, and making connections.
In many ways, I'm very naive. I trust people with a fierce loyalty. And at the same time, it's hard for me to trust. My heart automatically goes to believing the best in people, while my mind tries to rationalize and be realistic. I've been let down too many times to count. But I keep on.
I have an overactive imagination. I read a lot into things. I overanalyze the small details, including road signs. Yes, road signs can be anaylzed. It usually makes me end up lost, both on the road and in life.
I love whole-heartedly, but I refuse to let that turn me into a welcome mat. I don't like confrontaion, but I'm not afraid of it, and I will tell you you're being an ass, stupid, or whatever. I'll also tell you how grateful I am for your presence in my life and how wonderful you are...and I'll mean it with everything I am.
This is me. This is who I am.
People Out
Sleepless and ignored. That's been my life recently. Out of the past three nights, two of the nights I continuously woke up several times each hour, meaning I didn't sleep. The third night I slept, but then I had a strange and disconcerting dream which woke me up around 4. Sleep did not come again.
So, I'm tired. Work has been busy and left me with no time to do my paperwork. Not only am I behind on this week, but I'm still trying to catch up from last week. The good news is that I've started accompanying clients to court, which is interesting and exciting for me, dork that I am.
Then, there's the ignored bit. Now this I could completely be overreacting on (especially since I'm tired), but that doesn't matter right now. For the past month or two I've noticed a trend. I'm the one that almost always contacts my friends. Yet, if they're really my friends, shouldn't they also try to reach me via text, fb, phone, skype, email, etc. It's not like I'm that hard to reach.
I'm just tired of fighting for things that fall through my fingers. If they're going to fall through anyways, then why should I try? If I'm not that much of an important person in their life that they can't pick up the phone to call me for 5 minutes every so often, then what am I doing? Am I actually doing any good? Am I actually saving something when I reach out? Or am I just trying to cling to something that's only important to me? I don't know. But, I'm fed up with it. And I'm pulling back.
If people want me, they can contact me. Sure, my life will prob. get a lot more quiet, a little lonelier. But, maybe I'll actually start studying for THE BIG test coming up. Maybe a little rest from people will let me focus and gain new priorities. For the longest time, I've tried to make the people in my life my priority. I thought that's what we are supposed to do as friends, Christians, human beings. But, I've been wrong lots of times before, and I'll be wrong again.
So, for at least this next week I am pulling out of facebook. It's just another reminder of the people talk around me, rarely to me without my incitement. Plus, on fb, it's so much easier to be misunderstood, misread, misheard (figuratively I mean). This causes many more problems, and I'm tired of cleaning up problems. I've been the solution person for so long, now I'm going to fade out and let people clean up their own messes. Make their own misunderstandings.
And yes, this post sounds more bitter than I intended which probably has something to do with the exhaustion taking over my body and clouding my mind. But maybe I've got the point across, maybe not. But, right now, I'm too tired to care.
However, one thing is going right: work. Like I said earlier I've started going tto court with clients at work. I love my job. It has become the best part of my life, and one of the biggest things. I love my clients and my coworkers. And, I love how it's bringing me back to who I am.
So, I'm tired. Work has been busy and left me with no time to do my paperwork. Not only am I behind on this week, but I'm still trying to catch up from last week. The good news is that I've started accompanying clients to court, which is interesting and exciting for me, dork that I am.
Then, there's the ignored bit. Now this I could completely be overreacting on (especially since I'm tired), but that doesn't matter right now. For the past month or two I've noticed a trend. I'm the one that almost always contacts my friends. Yet, if they're really my friends, shouldn't they also try to reach me via text, fb, phone, skype, email, etc. It's not like I'm that hard to reach.
I'm just tired of fighting for things that fall through my fingers. If they're going to fall through anyways, then why should I try? If I'm not that much of an important person in their life that they can't pick up the phone to call me for 5 minutes every so often, then what am I doing? Am I actually doing any good? Am I actually saving something when I reach out? Or am I just trying to cling to something that's only important to me? I don't know. But, I'm fed up with it. And I'm pulling back.
If people want me, they can contact me. Sure, my life will prob. get a lot more quiet, a little lonelier. But, maybe I'll actually start studying for THE BIG test coming up. Maybe a little rest from people will let me focus and gain new priorities. For the longest time, I've tried to make the people in my life my priority. I thought that's what we are supposed to do as friends, Christians, human beings. But, I've been wrong lots of times before, and I'll be wrong again.
So, for at least this next week I am pulling out of facebook. It's just another reminder of the people talk around me, rarely to me without my incitement. Plus, on fb, it's so much easier to be misunderstood, misread, misheard (figuratively I mean). This causes many more problems, and I'm tired of cleaning up problems. I've been the solution person for so long, now I'm going to fade out and let people clean up their own messes. Make their own misunderstandings.
And yes, this post sounds more bitter than I intended which probably has something to do with the exhaustion taking over my body and clouding my mind. But maybe I've got the point across, maybe not. But, right now, I'm too tired to care.
However, one thing is going right: work. Like I said earlier I've started going tto court with clients at work. I love my job. It has become the best part of my life, and one of the biggest things. I love my clients and my coworkers. And, I love how it's bringing me back to who I am.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My life is a yo yo
Meltdown. Then straight face. Fake it. Act like everything's fine, nothing happened. Soon, you start to believe it. You're strong enough to handle it. You just overreacted. You can do it. Things will be fine. Look how beautiful the world is. See the stars, shining in the sky, just for you. Feel the sun, kissing your skin, the wind caressing your hair. Just for you. It's beautiful. And then your world crashes down again. Repeat.
My life is a yo yo, and just when things appear to be lifting, the sky falls down. The pain comes. And maybe it would be okay if I could just stop melting. If I could hold myself solid and just deal with it. I used to...for the most part. But the more it happens, the worse my reaction. And I hate it. I hate reacting to everything that happens. In my head I know the pattern, I know what will happen next, and if I can just bypass the meltdown, the feeling. If I could hold it all in again, maybe I'd be able to handle everything better.
But then, then I wouldn't be me. And if there were no pain, then how could I feel the sun kissing me? How would I find solace in the stars, shining bright, just for me. So, I'll take the pain. I'll fight against the odds. And one day, one day, maybe I'll win. My string will break, and I'll roll free in the grass.
My life is a yo yo, and just when things appear to be lifting, the sky falls down. The pain comes. And maybe it would be okay if I could just stop melting. If I could hold myself solid and just deal with it. I used to...for the most part. But the more it happens, the worse my reaction. And I hate it. I hate reacting to everything that happens. In my head I know the pattern, I know what will happen next, and if I can just bypass the meltdown, the feeling. If I could hold it all in again, maybe I'd be able to handle everything better.
But then, then I wouldn't be me. And if there were no pain, then how could I feel the sun kissing me? How would I find solace in the stars, shining bright, just for me. So, I'll take the pain. I'll fight against the odds. And one day, one day, maybe I'll win. My string will break, and I'll roll free in the grass.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Like Wax
Happy New Year everyone. How many of you out there, in the vast internet galaxy, have made New Years Resolutions? I didn't. I rarely do. With me, if I really want, I go after it right there and then. Why wait till the new year. What makes it so special?
Anyways, I don't want to rant right now. I want to mellow. I want to fade into the flame flickering in the center of my oatmeal cookie scented candle. I want to become the wax, gently melting into a pool of viscous liquid. I want to become the notes of the Alexz Johnson songs I'm listening to, to have my soul become a melody, my life the harmony.
In a yoga class I once attended, the teacher would have us do the corpse pose at the end of each session. As she would walk around, she would tell us to close our eyes and to imagine our body loosening and melting into the floor, becoming one with it. Well, that's what I want. To have my body drift and mingle and combine with the atoms of the universe. I want to float and soar, dive and drown. Be everyone and no one, everywhere and nowhere.
The past couple weeks have been crazy and wonderful and horrible and everything to me and nothing to me in the long scheme of things. My cousin was married to a wonderful man on December 23rd. She was a gorgeous bride. The wedding was, in all honesty, the wedding of my dreams. It seems strange,having her married. She's two months younger than me. She's the first one of my cousins to get married. Family traditions and gatherings have been changing for awhile now, slowly, but now...it's like her wedding officially announced the change. We are not the same. We will never be the same again.
But, I've been able to manage my priorities and get myself focused in a direction at least. I've found a part of me that I had thought I lost with graduation. It was right there the whole time, peaking out occasionally. I can still write and research. My books still hold an infinite power over me as they call my name. And even though I was a queen procrastinator all throughout school, I still rocked out the papers and books. And I know I can still do so. I'm easily distracted, yes, but I know what I want, and I won't let anything or anybody get in my way. I never have really, and I won't. I can't.
I've officially signed up for the LSAT - finally. Through finances, work, and family obligations, I haven't been able to take it yet. But, as of February 11th, that will no longer be true. Am I expecting to do brilliantly? No. But, I should do decently - hopefully. I've also decided on my top three universities that I want to apply to and have started the application process. Everything is finally starting to feel real to me again, and it scares me. It scares me knowing what's going to happen in the future. Or what's not going to happen. While so much is still unknown, I'm choosing the path I'm taking, pointing myself in a very specific direction. And, while I know mostly that it's the right path, there's still so much that could go wrong, so much that could go exactly right.
So, as usual, I'll continue to wait to see what happens. See, that's what I mean. So much has changed and is changing. And yet, essentially, nothing changes. Every second is different from the one before. Nothing is new under the sun. So, as changes come I will deal with them, as I always do. I'll handle the ups and downs; I'll take the tears and the laughter. I'll float and melt. I'll be solidly me and yet melt like wax, falling and clinging to the surface as it turns from a liquid to a solid to a liquid to a solid. All it needs is the heat of flame to change it completely. All it needs is a cool breeze to restore it.
Anyways, I don't want to rant right now. I want to mellow. I want to fade into the flame flickering in the center of my oatmeal cookie scented candle. I want to become the wax, gently melting into a pool of viscous liquid. I want to become the notes of the Alexz Johnson songs I'm listening to, to have my soul become a melody, my life the harmony.
In a yoga class I once attended, the teacher would have us do the corpse pose at the end of each session. As she would walk around, she would tell us to close our eyes and to imagine our body loosening and melting into the floor, becoming one with it. Well, that's what I want. To have my body drift and mingle and combine with the atoms of the universe. I want to float and soar, dive and drown. Be everyone and no one, everywhere and nowhere.
The past couple weeks have been crazy and wonderful and horrible and everything to me and nothing to me in the long scheme of things. My cousin was married to a wonderful man on December 23rd. She was a gorgeous bride. The wedding was, in all honesty, the wedding of my dreams. It seems strange,having her married. She's two months younger than me. She's the first one of my cousins to get married. Family traditions and gatherings have been changing for awhile now, slowly, but now...it's like her wedding officially announced the change. We are not the same. We will never be the same again.
But, I've been able to manage my priorities and get myself focused in a direction at least. I've found a part of me that I had thought I lost with graduation. It was right there the whole time, peaking out occasionally. I can still write and research. My books still hold an infinite power over me as they call my name. And even though I was a queen procrastinator all throughout school, I still rocked out the papers and books. And I know I can still do so. I'm easily distracted, yes, but I know what I want, and I won't let anything or anybody get in my way. I never have really, and I won't. I can't.
I've officially signed up for the LSAT - finally. Through finances, work, and family obligations, I haven't been able to take it yet. But, as of February 11th, that will no longer be true. Am I expecting to do brilliantly? No. But, I should do decently - hopefully. I've also decided on my top three universities that I want to apply to and have started the application process. Everything is finally starting to feel real to me again, and it scares me. It scares me knowing what's going to happen in the future. Or what's not going to happen. While so much is still unknown, I'm choosing the path I'm taking, pointing myself in a very specific direction. And, while I know mostly that it's the right path, there's still so much that could go wrong, so much that could go exactly right.
So, as usual, I'll continue to wait to see what happens. See, that's what I mean. So much has changed and is changing. And yet, essentially, nothing changes. Every second is different from the one before. Nothing is new under the sun. So, as changes come I will deal with them, as I always do. I'll handle the ups and downs; I'll take the tears and the laughter. I'll float and melt. I'll be solidly me and yet melt like wax, falling and clinging to the surface as it turns from a liquid to a solid to a liquid to a solid. All it needs is the heat of flame to change it completely. All it needs is a cool breeze to restore it.
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